i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
