I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
