If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
