I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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