Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
