My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
