so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
accomplished twins. life is a go
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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