Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
