i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
