you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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