my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
