The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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