who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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