Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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