I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
