Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
