Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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