you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
