my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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