Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
