i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He passed out mid-signature
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
