ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
