I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
