so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
