id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
