Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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