Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
