explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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