I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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