i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
