I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
