Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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