You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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