If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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