shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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