So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
