I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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