if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
