We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
