Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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