fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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