you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
