can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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