you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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