I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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