Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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