Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
