so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
