Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
