I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
