anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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