There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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